Last week I had every parents nightmare happen at the mall in December. The girls begged me to take them to see Santa. There is only one reason that Santa is at the mall, Greed. Yes the jolly old man that you all think has a belly full of jelly and laughs actually has a belly full of cold hard cash.
Of course there’s always a super long line waiting to see Santa which now gives Santa an opportunity to hock his wares. While you wait there’s fliers pushed into your tired hands that showcase three types of mugs with your kids pictures, Jewelry to remember their time with santa and now stuffed animals complete with Santa’s picture on their shirt. The best part is that they of course place the stuffed animals all along the path so during the entire wait all you can hear is, “can I have that teddy bear?”.
The time finally comes for your kids to climb up in Santa’s lap and one of two things are going to happen; they’re going to smile or they’re going to freak. Let’s all be honest, part of all of us wish that they will freak because you want the picture of the spastic kid to show their future spouse. Not this year for me though, no… all the kids were smiling angels.
My three girls all climbed up onto one of the best Santa’s laps that I have ever seen and they smiled. I stepped forward to take a picture with my cell phone and the guy stopped me and said, “I’m sorry but you have to stand behind this line to take pictures with your cell phone.” Really Mr. Elf? You’re part of the greed brigade as well?
I took the picture from ten feet away at a weird angle and I missed those beautiful smiles. Ten seconds after they sat on Santa’s lap all the girls were off and headed out of the Santa land with their free candy canes and I was headed to the check out.
$18 dollars later I had ONE 5X7 picture of horrible quality in my hand. Not to mention that the $18 option was not even listed anywhere, I asked if they had a cheaper option. See? Santa is greedy. Let the pure goodness of Santa go because now it’s tarnished forever and the greed has over taken my bank account.
The good news is that Santa is a drinker that likes Outback. Tonight while we were enjoying our regular Sunday night dinner out, Damion stopped eating to mouth the words, “SANTA I KNOW HIM!”. One quickly taken photo by Damion confirmed that Santa was in fact eating in the booth behind us and the guy likes wine. It’s possibly because the vineyards would be frozen grapes only in the North Pole.
You need proof?
So it’s either Santa or there is the possibility that Kenny Rogers has gained a ton of weight.
Don’t go to the mall and pay almost 20 bucks for a horrible picture, just stalk your local bar or steakhouse.