1. You don’t know early. As a teen I can’t remember the number of times I said, “I have to be at work at 9am. Geez, I have to get up so early on a saturday!”. That’s not early. When your 5 year old has a nightmare at 3 am and you have to take the stairs up to her room at warp speed while dodging toys, that’s early. When your 2 year old shows up next to your side at the bed at 6am declaring that they pooped in the loudest voice humanly possible, that’s early. Having to make sure there’s a diaper covering that poopy butt with fear of an artistic brown mural on their wall cutting through the pre coffee fogginess, that’s more than “early”.
2. When your parents say that you can’t have a pet until you have your own home and a job to pay for them, trust them on this. Take it from the person who today cleaned out the guinea pig cage, scooped the litter box, popper scooped the back yard, picked up the shredded toilet paper from the puppies misguided play time, fed all 5 animals and tomorrow is calling the vet to schedule the $200 surgery for the dog. One day… you’ll understand… and you’ll question your judgement for owning a miniature zoo.
3. You parents know you hide stuff. You think that you really convinced them that you put away that entire pile of laundry in under 3 seconds? guess again. We know that it’s hidden in your closet along with the empty pretzel bag, random nature items and our iPad charger. Sometimes it’s a game for parents just to guess exactly what all you have hidden in that spot. If you really want to have some fun then stop hiding it and watch their face the next time they glance in your closet. Pure shock and awe…. pure shock and awe….
4. Those boys that refused to give you the cheerleader corsage during the football game like they were supposed to because you weren’t popular were stupid. They’re probably still a little stupid. You’re awesome and the guy that eventually did choose you is far better, cuter, and was made for you. You win.
5. Stop fighting with your siblings. Yes your brother eats his boogers and your sister showed the cute boy from a few houses down the granny panties that your grandmother sent you. But one day you’re going to realize what your life would have been without them. One day when you need someone just to vent to at 11pm or when you need someone just to remind you how dorky you once were and how far you have now come, they’ll be there. Whose teddy bear is sitting on what side of the arm rest just won’t matter in 15 years, deal with it.
6. The mile high bangs and crimped hair? Bad choice. Should have skipped that fad.
7. Keep your room clean. There will be more time for fun, coloring, glitter, and less time spent laying on your floor and screaming as if the act of cleaning is going to kill you if you just keep it picked up. Plus your parents won’t have an early coronary attack or loose their voice from screaming, “I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING! JUST CLEAN YOUR ROOM!”.
8. Stop trying to grow up. Growing up sucks. When you’re an adult you have a ton of responsibilities. Your mom spends the day working, cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, changing diapers, brushing hair, brushing teeth, feeding animals, driving you places, making your appointments, etc…. You spend your day making forts out of boxes and tents with blankets. Just stay young for as long as possible.
9. Get your fill of cake now because the older version of your metabolism is heartless.
