I am not an evolutionist, I am a creationist. The one thing that I do know is that life evolves. It changes and ebbs and flows in ways that we can never expect or define. Life evolves without permission.
A friend this weekend sent me a clip of the marching band playing at the highschool that we both attended. We were in band together and became best friends. It’s shocking that I could have ever been a band nerd since I am so. cool. but it’s true. If you would have asked me back then what I would have been doing and what kind of person would I have been my answers would have been radically different. My dreams in high school were to marry the hottest man on the planet, have a billion babies, adopt the nation of Africa and to be a Deaf education teacher living a quiet life. Of course this would have only happened in the proper time frame after rocking out at Texas Christian University for 4 years and flirting way too much with way too many cute college boys.
None of that, with the exception of marrying the hottest man on the planet, happened. During my high school graduation I stood up while the guidance counselor read the long list of scholarships that I had gotten to in order to attend Texas Christian University, TCU. I went and toured the campus. Everything was in line for my next step in life. But you know what? It didn’t happen. Some things in my life fell apart and so did my chance to go away to TCU. I stayed home and worked at a restaurant. I tried to go to community college but college at that point was extremely painful for me. Honestly I was embarrassed to have to explain to people why I didn’t go away. It hurt and I was mad at the world.
My whole entire school career I had been told that if I worked hard and gave it my all I could go to any college on scholarship and make my dreams happen. But after doing all those things, staying far away from trouble in high school, volunteering in every single club I could and making great grades, forces outside my control are the ones that dictated me not going away to the college I had worked so hard for.
Eventually I did transfer to a community college in a city an hour away and moved over there. But honestly I was still very hurt and had lost all hope of great success. At the same time my amazing group of friends from high school had of course started to drift apart but it’s not something that you see happening when you’re young. You believe full heartedly that you will be friends forever. FOREVER.
It took a year at the new college but I made new friends, great amazing friends and I started to find confidence in my dreams again. But before I could be truly successful I met the greek god that we’ll call Mr. Byrd. Ok so he’s not a greek god, I just put that in there to make him blush, but he is extremely handsome and worth the work we had and still have to put into it. So once again my plan to finish college and start a career was put on hold to get married to this amazing man.
I hadn’t even regained confidence in myself yet, I was still struggling, and yet I was married and in a new city. A few months later I was pregnant and going to be a mom at 24, years before we had planned. I was still just working little jobs, nothing that just screamed passion and joy to me. 13 months after the first baby arrived, her little sister arrived.
I was so happy and still am. But it’s not what was planned. Life was evolving beyond my control.
Being a mom was and still is so fulfilling to me. For the past 7 years I have dedicated my entire being to my family. I breathe, sleep, and eat for my family.
Then in this past year things have begun to change. I still live for my family. But all of the sudden people are reading this blog more and more. Other people are asking me to write for them. Friends are asking me to design their blogs and business cards for them. There’s this new part of me that is awakening again. A part that I haven’t seen since I was still in playing in the high school band, believing that there would be doors open for me if I just played by the rules.
I had to have that rule crushed in my face to become who I truly am. Would I have been a great person if I would have had my life as I had planned? I believe so.
Yet through the trials that I had to endure in letting go of my dreams, I have been able to find bigger and better dreams. Now I have a husband who I’m sure would have loved me as a deaf education teacher but better yet he supports me when I say, “I’m going to go to this blogging conference with 200 other women this weekend.”. He supports me when I put up a picture of the huge mess my kids made in his house that day on the internet or when I talk about my failures as a wife and mom. My dad reads my blog and leaves sweet comments. My kids ask if I’m taking their picture for my “blog thing”. And I’ve met so many amazing friends who get me. They understand that I write to deal with my feelings and I design because there’s too much color in my head to hold it all in.
It might not be success to some people but it’s a step towards my renewed goals and success to me. There’s a long way to go and the past has dictated to me that it might not go as I have planned. But I know now that it will be ok. Whatever the future has for me I will make the choice to change and adapt to it rather than fighting against it or hiding behind shame and embarrassment.
My life has evolved and it’s what I am most grateful for. I may not be an evolutionist but I am an evolver.