Vulnerable Truth – My Struggle with Depression

Sometimes when we write, we lay our heart out on the table and ask people to guard it for us. This is one of those times. Today we’re going to take a break from crafts and glue guns because I need to share something with you.

I’m sharing it with you because I know that some of you are in the same boat, the same place, the same struggle. If nothing else comes of this, I want at least one – you know if it’s you – to know that I’m here too. You’re not alone.

Months ago the walls started to crash in around me. Things piled up faster than I could push them away. Life got hard and every day a bit murkier.

In January, the walls fell apart. I went from being able to tread water to save my life to feeling as if I was being swallowed by a dark hole. I was sinking. The first few days after it all fell apart I still put on the mask of “everything was fine” and went about my day while valiantly trying to save myself.

Those first few days I would have still answered, “great!” with a beaming smile when asked how I was doing. I still got up every morning and got kids out the door and was ready when they came back in that door later that same day. I went to a pastor at church and told them what I thought was going through with certainty that I would overcome it. Notice that I didn’t ask for help, because I thought I had it, by myself I could do it.

I became an expert at “everything is fine.” Little did I know that I was so good at it because I had been training in it for months. Only those that are really close to me saw me snapping at my kids more and becoming easily frustrated and withdrawn.

And then there was the tipping point, when I couldn’t hide it any longer. I stayed home more, in my room most of the time. A fog descended over my thoughts and my body was tired – oh so tired every single day. I started doing just enough to keep this website going but nothing more.

And yet, I stayed silent. Silently drowning in hopelessness.

Finally I reached out for help to a few and I said the words to my husband that I didn’t want to say, “I am depressed.” And yet, I stayed sure that I could do it by myself.

As friends came around me, I still held tight to my own abilities and didn’t want to share my true struggle – because I was ashamed. Days got harder as I wrestled with pride and shame. In the darkest times, I convinced myself that my friends were tired of hearing from me. They were tired of the requested prayers coming from me and they must think I was just being dramatic, so I stopped reaching out to them. Somedays I still struggle with those thoughts and reaching out to them when I know I should.

It got darker and I got in a place that I now call the pit. A deep place that I couldn’t get out of and sunlight couldn’t get into. My emotions were void. Church became a self-imposed punishment for me rather than a place filled with hope. I spent days asking God why others were healthy and I was in a pit. Now I know, everyone has their own pit in their life – in some way or some form, it’s there. Some people just hide it better than others.

It was in that time of self-inflicted punishment and darkness that my husband lovingly asked me to consider more help. I had tried it on my own and was failing horribly – because I wasn’t meant to do it alone. I don’t have to do it alone.

So now? I still struggle. There’s still some dark days but I can laugh and smile. The joy is back, even in the hard times, there’s still joy.

Why? Because I stopped doing it alone. We weren’t meant to do it alone. We were given husbands, friends, pastors, and when all that fails, professionals. On top of it all, there’s a God who just wants us to be real with each other, even when it’s scary as hell. We weren’t made to be perfect and upholding a level of perfection inside the walls of the church and our own lives is killing us.

Walking through life with an air of perfection builds walls that prevent us from being there for our friends that are hurting. I’ve learned so much truth about my friends struggle’s and I’m heartbroken that it took this for me to get there. I should have been there for them but I wasn’t because I was too busy playing a part. That changes now.

Don’t get me wrong – there’s still days I’m hiding. There’s people around me that will be shocked to read this, not knowing my battle of the last few months. But today, I’m putting it all on the line. I’m putting this out there where people I love will read it. People who have hurt me will read it. People will judge me. I’m guessing a lot of you will support and pray for me. But I need to tell you this because the one promise I made myself when I first started this website was to always be real. This is as real as it gets.

Here I stand, putting my heart out on the screen in front of you and asking you to guard it. It’s broken into a thousand pieces but there’s beauty in the broken. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. Maybe I’ll be back in the pit, with friends and those that love me lowering down a ladder – or maybe I’ll be on the mountain top. No matter what, I won’t be there alone – neither are you.

If you’re not where I was, if depression isn’t your battle but you’re still hurting, I urge you not to hide your battle from those closest to you. Let others love you so that you can fully love them in return. It’s time to knock down some walls. I’m going to go cover a sledgehammer in glitter, are you with me?

If you’re where I was weeks ago, I ask you to reach out and get help. You are loved and this world needs you. It needs your laughter and joy, which is still there. The road back to it is hard, and I’m barely on the journey myself, but you are worth it.

Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he. I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:4

While I occasionally check and moderate comments, I sometimes let it lap for a long period of time. If you want to talk about this post, please email me (Bobbie@ClumsyCrafter.com) or private message me on Facebook or Instagram.

Beauty in the Broken necklace by Creative Carmella