Hi friends. I haven’t posted any new blogs in years. Where have I been? I’ve been recovering from abuse. I’ve shared about it briefly before. If you missed that post, I grew up in an abusive home and then continued the cycle of abuse into a very abusive marriage. A few years ago, everything crumbled to pieces and in that destruction, I had to face some very hard truths about how I was raised and the truth of my marriage.
I am still fighting to come out on the other side of that. The new joke that I told myself this week is that I got PTSD as a wedding gift. And hopefully, I’m giving myself healing as a divorce gift.
But today, almost three years since my separation, I want to share a few simple ways how you can support someone leaving an abusive relationship. These are all things that have been done for me that have continued to make a huge impact in my life.
How to Support Someone Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Help them get new bedding – This might seem silly but they need a safe place to rest. If they shared their current bedding with the partner that abused them, give them a fresh slate. Rest will be vital to their healing. Sleep will be hard and they will find themselves to be more exhausted than normal.
New bedding will remove smells and harmful memories while also helping them feel loved and cared for safely and positively. If possible, also consider helping change some of the room decorations to make it their own space and fully remove any reminders of the person who harmed them.
Install video cameras at their home or apartment – Video cameras today are easy to purchase and even easier to install. But for someone who is overwhelmed with a thousand things on their plate and is struggling with feeling unsafe, doing this for them will help. If you’re not handy, ask your friend group for someone who would be willing to go help install cameras. There are good people in the world who will gladly step up, they just need to know that you need their help.
And as a single parent, having cameras also helps me know that my kids are safe when I’m not able to be home.
Participate in Random Porch Drop-offs – Abuse isolates you. The first year, I was largely alone simply because my network of friends and family had been cut-off. I wasn’t used to having people in my home and the pressure to pick up or clean if someone was coming over was too much in an already pushed-to-my-limits state. Slowly as people started to learn that we were divorcing because of abuse, things started appearing on my porch. Some nights it would be a casserole, sometimes a loaf of bread (or 7), one day it was fuel stabilizer that I needed, and every now and then a case of Dr. Pepper gets dropped off. Things just appear. And it lifts my soul so much. Not only do I know people are thinking of me and supporting me, it removes the pressure to entertain or even talk to people on the rough days.
If you know someone in your community is struggling, leaving abuse, or even just through regular life issues, dropping off small things on their porch sends a powerful message without the pressure of entertaining guests.
Most Importantly, Listen to them – Supporting people with gifts and things is extremely helpful but nothing will take the place of someone who simply listens. Don’t try to offer advice unless you yourself have left abusive relationships. Just listen. Let them know what hours you are free and when they can call. If you’re available to chat at 3am when they’re awake and scared with nightmares, let them know. Occasionally I get texts at 3am when my friends happen to wake up, checking to see if I’m up and need to talk since I struggle to sleep.
People who leave abuse will sometimes have bad memories playing in loops. They tell the same stories over and over. It’s a way they process the memories. And the best way to get the memories playing on repeat to stop is to have someone listen to the story. Whether they tell you that story 1 time or 5 times, just listen and offer empathy and sorrow for what they endured. They don’t need you to fix it, they just need you to listen.
If you are looking for gift ideas or products you can purchase to support them, here is an easy list of ideas.
The best gift you can give to someone leaving abuse is simply your presence and your care.
Thank you to all who have supported and loved me, you have meant the world to me.
