Vulnerable.
That’s the scariest word when you think about it.
Simply put, it means opening yourself up – for reproof, for
A while back my life started spinning. Things seemed to be falling apart and little things, tiny things, became all-consuming. It got to the point where I was snapping at my kids and losing my temper so much because I felt like needles were constantly poking and prodding at me.
I was losing control and the worse it got, the more I started hearing the little lies in my head. Little lies with big impacts. If I lost my temper with my kids, I’d hear that I was a bad mom. If I forgot to move the laundry to the dryer, I’d hear a little voice tell me that I was failing my family.
Quietly and slowly the lies grew. Missing a turn in the car would lead to a lie telling me that I would never be able to get it together. One turn, that I could easily correct would defeat me for the day because of the lie.
Other things seemed to be going wrong at the same time. It was as if my life was playing Jenga. One wooden block was causing the entire tower to teeter. Health, money, pressure, work, all the blocks started to rock back and forth. At anytime, I was sure it would all would fall.
Every wiggly block came with more lies, more defeat. It was constant.
By January, I was losing ground fast. Not only was the tower going to fall,
It sounded like a great plan but a great plan leads to ruin if God’s not at the helm and I was still trying to drive the ship.
Somehow, somewhere in this plan, I fell into a dark hole. Everything became foggy except my emotions. They seemed to have disappeared. I was exhausted, sleeping too much and shutting out life the rest of the time.
When I was awake, am awake, I’m in the Word… praying, devouring, pleading, learning. I have learned so much and part of me regrets deeply that this is what it took.
One of the greatest things I’ve learned is not to judge others when they say they’re depressed. Many times in the past I’ve looked at someone and thought that they didn’t look depressed or that it must be because they don’t have enough joy.. or enough happiness. I was so wrong. So wrong.
I’ve also learned that we have to stop greeting each other with the words, “how are you?” unless you’re truly ready for a heart-wrenching truth. Because if you would have said that to me a few weeks ago I would have told you that I really wanted to drive my car into a tree or off a road – because that’s the hard truth of where I was.
Now that’s a hard truth that I also know a few of my friends, who I thought I knew, are living as well.
If you asked me how I was today, I’d tell you that today I’m dealing with pride and shame, together. Everyone I see at church, I wonder if they know. I question their eyes as if it’s pity or sadness that I’m seeing. Are they judging me? Or have they already given me a verdict? Have I failed them? Are they scared to trust their kids with me?
And a place that I love, church, has become my own personal self-inflicted courtroom which no one else knows they’re participating in.
Today, I smiled. I actually cried. I also hyperventilated at one point but I’m going to celebrate that joy is returning. The joy of my salvation is being restored.
Tonight I’ll walk back into that courtroom and try to see it as it truly is – a place of immense love in which the verdict and punishment have already been declared and overcome – the victory is won over my life. Will I be nervous or anxious this time? I pray not but just might be.
In the past few weeks, I’ve seen women come around me with love that I never expected and for a long time convinced myself that I don’t deserve.
And I’ve seen people walking with me, standing with me, in ways that words can’t describe. It didn’t matter what I threw at them, they ducked and threw it back – wrapped in truth and love.
So vulnerable? Yea, it’s what I need. I need to find health again and then share my story – in a safe manner – because there’s too many women that are walking around in perfect bodies with bleeding hearts.
Tomorrow I might be back in a pit again. The smiles and tears might be gone but because of other believers who act as the hands and feet of Christ, I know I will be pulled out. Some days are up, some days are down but the love of Christ never changes. His death on the cross for this broken mess – stands the same.
