
There was a time when I think I was one of the worst when it came to judging those who claim to suffer from depression and anxiety.
“Why don’t you just get up and take a walk rather than lay in bed?”
“It’s just a mindset, get over it.”
“You’re there because you let yourself get there.”
“It’s just an excuse.”
I was one of the worst. And then one morning I woke up, made breakfast and then found myself back in bed. Later in the day, I was so tired that I had to go lay back down. Over the next few weeks, it got to the point where I would do something and then go sit down in bed for a while until I could convince myself to get up again, and this pattern went on day after day. It wasn’t laziness. It’s not a weakness. It’s not a mindset. It’s a mental disorder.
I had become one of the people that I judged.
Now I sit in a therapist’s office week after week and talk about what hurts, and I’m not just talking mentally or emotionally, but the real pain and effects that come with depression and anxiety. And yet every time I say that I’m exhausted to the point of my legs hurting, or that my arms hurt, my chest feels like a weight is sitting on it or that I’m not getting work done because I don’t have the will to do it, my therapist doesn’t look at me with judgment or give me a motivational to-do list. Do you know what her reply is?
With eyes filled with empathy she says, “I’m sorry, I know it does. I bet you are tired right now. I bet it does hurt.” And then she smiles the smallest smile and nods her head, letting me know that she understands. She gets it.
I didn’t get it for years, but now I do. I learned the hard, very painful way – which is how I usually learn things.
What Depression and Anxiety Look Like For Me:
While I try to be open with you guys, this list is just a sample of what it looks like for me because of privacy reasons. This list will also look different for everyone. Also, I’m not a mental health professional. My professional resume consists of things I can glue together or paint. This is just my personal experience. I’m also lumping depression and anxiety together because they are co-morbid and since I’m not a mental health professional, I’m not sure where one starts and the other ends.
1 – Body Aches, mainly my arms and shoulders. To me, this was the most surprising part of depression and anxiety that I’ve dealt with. When I first started struggling earlier this year my neck and shoulders would often hurt as if I had a weight on them. I remember the first time the depression lifted off of me and the feeling that the weight was finally gone. Right now? That weight is back but I know that soon it will be gone again.
2 – The Blahs. I’m pretty sure that’s the technical term for it. Many times depression is presented as constant crying and extreme sadness. For me personally, I’m just blah. I can’t cry nor can I feel excitement. I don’t feel much of anything somedays. Am I sad? Probably but I’m not always aware of it. Conversations with others that are happy or peppy are hard because I don’t want to plaster on a fake smile and pretend to be bubbly, I just want to be blah.
3 – Easily Overwhelmed – This one is easy to identify as an effect of the anxiety. My head is constantly filled with things I’m worrying about or thinking about in a negative way. Slowly those thoughts stack up until it all gets to be too much. Big groups of people right now are overwhelming to me. Certain social situations are overwhelming. Life… is a little overwhelming.
4 – Low Self Worth – This is the hardest one to tell you about. The irony is that confessing I have low self-worth is a pseudo blow against my self-worth. I’m not telling you this so that you email me telling me great things about what you think about me. I’m putting this out there, making it public, to take the power away from it. When I’m in a group of people, I feel like I don’t belong, like I would be rejected if they realized I was there. Please do not email me or message me about this – simply be aware that your friends fighting this same battle probably deal with this too.
5 – Isolation – Isolation is bad but it’s something I’m prone to right now. If I get overwhelmed, I go off by myself to escape. My closest friends know that they might have to drag me, or blackmail me, to leave my house. I do not want to be out in public, I want to hide. This week I was also dragged, in love, to Sunday School and then to coffee.
6 – Exhaustion – As a mom, I thought I knew exhaustion. Depression has hit me with a form of exhaustion that’s like nothing I have ever experienced before. It’s not a form of exhaustion that’s cured from a cat nap or even 12 hours of sleep. It’s a constant form of tiredness that makes me go slower and everything a little bit harder. There’s days that just getting dressed makes me tired. Then there’s days, such as today, where I’m productive and appear full of energy but simply move a little bit slower than usual.
7 – Mental Fog – If you want to know what day it is, ask someone else. I know what I’m worrying about or obsessing over in a negative way, everything else is just a fog.
8 – Lack of Sleeping and Appetite – There’s days that I don’t eat and there’s nights that I don’t sleep. Many times I am able to fall asleep but I wake up an hour or two later and I’m up for the night. Melatonin has helped a lot with sleeping but not always. I have been painting a lot, usually around 4am.
I choose not to take medicine to treat depression and anxiety for personal reasons. However, there are things I am doing that is helping such as depending more on others and journaling.
Growing up I had the quintessential P.E. coach who liked to torture us for fun. She’s sit in the bleachers in her blue and red windsuit and yell from her comfy position, “no pain! no gain! If you haven’t thrown up yet, you’re not working hard enough.”
I think that’s where I am… One push away from throwing up but gaining so much in the process. Maybe she was right after all.
So how I am feeling today? Tired. Down. Blah. But I know this isn’t forever. I know it’s a season in my life in which I’ll break down walls and overcome hard things. Doing hard things makes you tired.
If you’re in the same place, reach out and get help. You’re worth it. I am too.
If you’re not in this place but you’ve thought that depression is just something you can get out of bed and deal with, I hope that you’ll research it further and learn more about it. Ask questions to people you know who have dealt with it. Read books about depression. Learn and change your viewpoint because there’s probably someone you love that’s dealing with it and they need your support.
I honestly dont know what to say..I thought I had beaten this depression thing, now I am back in it with stress and anxiety to keep it company. I have developed phobias of dying from drowning, smothering and anything that covers my face. Heights terrify me – another feeling that is new.
It hurts to just breathe sometimes. I feel like crying as I write this.
However, I know from previous help – therapy will and does help. I hope you can and are sharing your feelings with your family and some good girlfriends.
Ever want to vent PM me and I promise to listen AND understand with NO JUDGEMENT.
I’m so sorry Darlene. Thank you for the offer to vent. Venting helps, as I’m sure you know.
Thank you for your honesty, Bobbie. Beautifully written. Praying
You are unique, of great value and very loved. I know your heart and it is one of the best I’ve known. Let’s talk when you feel like it.
Just read your entire writings and I can’t believe that I am reading about how I truly feel all the time, I just had not seen it written down. I wish there was a miracle that could take away the terrible black cloud that follows me daily.. I don’t even want to get out of bed anymore, things only get worse every day. I have spoke to doctors about this depression and they just had out medications that keep me asleep, No help there… I hate to think that my days are going to end like this…. thanks for listening.. Guess you know the rest..
Sarah, I urge you to find a therapist or counselor that you like and see them. For me, therapy has made it harder and for a while has taken me to a rougher place but I know that I’m taking care of things in therapy that’s caused the depression and anxiety. I know that it is going to get better and I already see little changes that I’m making having big effects in my life. Thank you for being brave enough to leave this comment. It takes guts to say that out loud.
I know this struggle all too well. It is ugly and personal. My family, finally, after many, many years has come to understand. They know the signs now of when things are not alright, and I am in trouble. This is such a blessing. You are very brave to share your story, and I hope that you can find more ways to help you deal with this illness. God bless you.
Thank you Sandi. I’m grateful for your family, that’s a huge blessing.