Somedays you get kicked down and you get right back up. But then sometimes you just pray that when you get kicked it will be into chocolate pudding with whipped cream because then at least your fall will taste good and you’ll have something to eat while you wallow in self-pity.
Today is a chocolate pudding day.
Normally I write to give hope and make you laugh but somedays you just have to take off your big girl panties, tie the onto the end of a stick and make your own giant white flag. That’s me, that’s where I’m at. Today I’m the one needing hope and a laugh – and chocolate pudding.
The past few weeks have been rough. I fell into a really deep depression a few weeks ago that I couldn’t see the way out of. It got to the point where I stopped writing and for a while, I even stopped making things. I existed. It turns out I can exist pretty well because my kids still got fed and picked up from school.
During that time I also noticed that one of my teeth was starting to hurt and then eventually abscessed. I started antibiotics to clear it up so the dentist could take care of it but they didn’t work. It got worse, to the point where my face was badly swollen and extremely painful. My entire body felt like I had the flu. Everything hurt and the pain medicine they gave me just made me go to sleep. So I could either be awake and be in serious pain or sleep for days straight. I did a heavy combination of both.
Finally, I made the choice to switch dentists because the pain and worry were becoming very bad for my mental health. Almost immediately I felt better after switching. They upped the antibiotics, which made the swelling go down and gave me a quick plan to get the problem resolved.
After switching, I had the best week that I’ve had in months. I was productive, I laughed with my kids, I wanted to be around people. It was a great week. There was a plan going forward and I could do it.
Last night I took a sedative pill to prepare for the oral surgery that was supposed to take place today. I woke up hours earlier than planned this morning to a text saying that my kid’s school was closed and one from my sister saying the water was at their front door. I could hear the pouring rain. Our town was starting to flood again.
If you were with me two years ago then you might remember that Hurricane Harvey flooded our town. I don’t realize how much it messed with me until heavy rains start. That morning, two years ago, we woke up to hearing the helicopters overhead as they rescued people from roofs. We could hear the airboats rescuing people from homes on the other side of the road. We were safe but our town was destroyed. Two years later there’s still areas that haven’t recovered. It’s still hard to see, hard to hear the stories again.
But today instead of going to the dentist, we were stuck inside as our street flooded. I thought I was doing OK. I thought I was good. But tonight as I realized that I have to start taking those horrible antibiotics again that make me sick to my stomach and as friend’s pictures and statuses came across Facebook, I realized that I’m not OK.
The pictures of long lines in the only open grocery store have put me back in that place from two years ago but now that place is a little bit heavier and darker.
So here I am, waving my white granny panty flag and I’m doing it publically so that you know – it’s OK to not always be OK. Somedays you just need a meltdown… or three.. or five… who’s counting
I have friends that I have already freaked out with. I have an amazing husband that watched me fall apart earlier. I have family that love me deeply. And… if it gets worse, I have a therapist that I know will help me remember what truly does matter.
Our town? It will be OK. We’ve done this before and we’ll do it again as many times as it’s needed.
My tooth? I’m a DIY’er at heart and there’s always pliers. (Just kidding sweetie). We’ll reschedule it and it will be OK.
If you want to follow along with my personal life, the best way to do that is through Instagram stories.
This next week I’m going to share some fall crafts from last year and the year before. They’re great projects and I know you’ll love them.
Thanks for loving me and walking this journey with me, even when the glitter doesn’t shine and the glue gun is cold – I still appreciate that you’re here with me.